


Beyond The Door There's Peace

by englishstrawbie



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Death, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, There is Nothing Happy About This Fic, punch you in the gut feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 10:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30087477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/englishstrawbie/pseuds/englishstrawbie
Summary: Follows Station 19 4x06 and Grey's Anatomy 17x07. Carina's grief is only just beginning.The moment is interrupted by a wail that pierces her ears and Carina wants to tell whoever it is to shut up, except she can’t because the sound is coming from her. It is a shrill, animalistic cry like one might hear in the wild, as grief rips her apart.
Relationships: Andrew Deluca & Carina Deluca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 28
Kudos: 134





	Beyond The Door There's Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Beyond the door there's peace, I'm sure  
> And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven  
> \- Eric Clapton

“Si, Papa, ti chiamo più tardi,” Carina says, her cellphone cradled between her ear and her shoulder as she inserts some quarters into the vending machine and selects the last packet of Cheetos. She hasn’t eaten since breakfast and her stomach is grumbling at her for food, but she doesn’t want to face the crowds in the cafeteria. It isn’t exactly nutritious, she knows, but Maya promised to bring her some leftovers from the station so she figures a bag of chips will do for now.

She says goodbye to her father and hits the call end button, before letting out a deep sigh. She had skipped a lot of the details about how Andrew had been injured, instead choosing to focus on the fact that he had got through his surgery and all he needed was rest. She didn’t tell Papa about the knife that pierced his stomach, spleen, heart and diaphragm, or how he needed exploratory surgery at the same time as a sternotomy to allow the surgeons to find every nick and cut caused by the blade. Carina doesn’t need a lecture from her father about letting her brother get himself embroiled in a car chase across the city. She already feels guilty and she can’t face her father’s criticism too. Plus, the last thing either of them needs is for Vincenzo DeLuca to pull enough strings to be able to get on an airplane during a pandemic and visit.

Her cell phone pings, a message from Maya telling her she is on her way back to the hospital with clean clothes and a Tupperware full of pasta salad. With Andrew out of surgery and Carina staying by his bedside as he drifted in and out of a slumber, Maya had slipped out of the hospital to the station to check up on her team following today’s inspection, with a promise to return within the hour. 

After sending a quick reply, Carina slides her cell phone into the back pocket of her pants and, with a coffee in one hand and the bag of chips in the other, makes her way back to Andrew’s room. She walks with purposeful strides, keen not to be away from him for too long. She passes a few familiar faces along the way, doctors and nurses and orderlies who ask after him, and her heart is warmed by the way they all care so deeply about him. She has never worked at a hospital like Grey Sloan. Before she moved to Seattle, Andrew would tell her that they were like a big family and she had always scoffed disbelievingly. It turns out he was right, just like he was right about a lot of things.

Like Opal. Why hadn’t she listened to him instead of brushing off his concerns as another manic episode? He had been adamant all those months ago that Opal was abusing the girl she had brought to the hospital but Carina hadn’t believed him. No-one had believed him. Well, that would change. She was his big sister and she would have his back, always.

The nurses’ station is empty and Carina looks across to the other side of the floor where everyone is piled into another room. She can hear the familiar beeping of the machines that tell her a patient is coding and she says a silent prayer, as she always does, before slipping into Andrew’s room.

Her blood runs cold when she sees the horror before her. Andrew is gone, a space where his bed should be. Wires that once connected him to the machines now hang loose and the screens that once told her that his heart was still beating in his chest are blank.

And the blood – there is so much blood.

Red fluid is smeared across the pale tiles where the wheels of the bed have rolled. Footprints of all shapes and sizes have been left behind, a trail of breadcrumbs leading out of the room and towards the elevator that she didn’t see before, too caught up in her thoughts to notice it.

“Oh Dio, no…”

Something beneath her catches her attention, a river of brown liquid trickling into the room and mixing with the blood. Andrew’s blood. Her hands are now empty and the coffee cup she had been holding lies on the floor by her feet, Cheetos scattered everywhere.

Carina becomes aware of someone by her side, talking in her ear, but she doesn’t hear what they are saying. Their voice becomes distant and there’s a whistling in her ears as she starts to run down the corridor. She doesn’t wait for the elevator, choosing to take the stairs to the OR floor. Her eyes quickly scour the surgery board and she spies her brother’s name against OR 3. People call out to her and she ignores them, making her way towards the gallery. She only stops when someone grabs her arm, a firm hand resting just about her elbow.

“Carina, no.”

Her head whips around angrily.

“Let go of me!”

Richard loosens his grip but doesn’t let go entirely. “You can’t go in there, you know the rules.”

 _‘Fuck the rules,’_ she thinks, but even in her despair she remembers her manners.

She looks at him desperately, her eyes pleading for empathy. “I should be with him,” she says. “He needs me.”

“Hunt and Altman are with him,” Richard says. “They need to focus on what they’re doing. There’s a reason why we don’t allow family members in the OR, you know that.”

He oozes sympathy towards her. Carina’s body trembles with fear and anger, and she shakes him off, can’t bear his touch, but she doesn’t disobey him.

“D.I.C.?”

She already knows the answer. She knew when she saw the lumps of coagulated blood on the floor of his room. She has seen it before, a complication from childbirth sometimes.

“Yes,” Richard says sombrely. “They had to open him back up, they’re transfusing him now.”

“Is…” she can barely ask the question but she needs to know, "…is he going to make it?”

Richard pauses before he answers and she knows why. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. 

Carina feels her body convulse and there is a sharp metallic taste in the back of her throat as bile rises up from her stomach. Her hand flies to her mouth and she stumbles backwards until her back hits the wall. She fixes her eyes on a black mark on the opposite wall, filling her lungs with air and exhaling slowly, desperate to stop what little contents of her stomach from ending up on the floor.

Richard stays by her side. “Let’s get you somewhere quieter,” he says softly.

She nods and lets him lead her away to a private room, blocking out the stares and whispers that follow her as they walk. He calls for Helm and tells her that he is going to check for an update, asks the young woman to stay and sit with her while he is gone.

Taryn is a sweet, kind, smart resident, if a little naïve about the world, and Carina usually has time for her but not today. Her sad face and trembling lips and wide eyes are too much for Carina to bear right now, so she mostly ignores her.

“Car-“ Taryn changes her mind, deciding she doesn’t know her well enough to ignore formalities in the current circumstances. “Doctor DeLuca, is there anything I can get you?”

Carina has only one answer. “Maya.”

She doesn’t know how much time has passed since everything was okay by the vending machines but figures Maya must be close to the hospital by now and she is the only person Carina wants with her.

“I… I can try and call her?”

Carina reaches for her cell phone. Her hands won’t stop shaking and it takes her a moment to open the screen before she passes it to Helm. Taryn stands up and moves to the far corner of the room, as far out of earshot as she can get before making the call. Carina blocks her out, taking her mind back to the last conversation she’d had with her brother before she had left to get a coffee. She curls the fist of her left hand and pummels it lightly against her forehead, trying to remember the last thing she said to him. Did she tell him that she loves him? She needs to have told him that she loves him, she needs to know that he heard it.

The sound of heavy footsteps ascends outside the room and the door suddenly swings open.

“I’m here.”

Maya rushes into the room and is by her side in seconds, the bags in her hands flung to one side. Her arm is tight around Carina’s back, her breath warm on her neck as she leans in close. “I’m here.”

“I can’t remember,” Carina mutters. Did she tell him?

Maya frowns, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t remember if I told him that I love him,” Carina says. “I can’t remember!”

Maya slips her hand around Carina’s to stop her from hitting her forehead and pulls it close to her chest, dropping her head to kiss her knuckles.

“You told him, I heard you tell him,” Maya tells her.

“I did?”

“You did. You told him so many times that eventually he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep so that you would stop.”

Carina nods as the memory comes back to her. “Right, I did. I told him.”

Maya offers her a small, reassuring smile. “You did.” She leans forward and places a gentle kiss on her temple, running her hand over the back of Carina’s head.

“What can I do?” Maya asks. “What do you need?”

Carina is grateful that she doesn’t offer empty platitudes or tell her that everything is going to be okay. She knows that no-one can promise her that right now.

“I need to pray. Will you pray with me?”

Maya nods. “Of course.”

Carina lowers her head and Maya copies, their foreheads resting together as Carina recites a prayer she heard when she was younger as they held vigil over her Nonna’s deathbed.

_“May you be wrapped up in God’s love,_

_Found deep in His everlasting wings,_

_Carried and kept, safe and cherished,_

_May the healing power of Christ,_

_Breathe across your being now,_

_Amen.”_

She repeats it three times until her voice falters and Maya takes over for her. With one hand still wrapped up in Maya’s, her other hand reaches for her girlfriend’s jacket, grasping it tightly. Carina squeezes her eyes shut and tries to concentrate on the sound of Maya’s voice and the words she is speaking. She pleads with God to save her brother, promises to do anything He wants if only He would make sure that Andrew lives.

There is a quiet knock on the door and her head jerks upwards. Owen and Teddy walk into the room and she knows without them having to say a word that her prayers have been ignored. They are wearing it all over their faces: their sorrow and grief at the loss.

“Carina…”

“No, don’t,” Carina puts her hands up to stops Owen from speaking. If he doesn’t say it, it isn’t true. 

Owen looks to Teddy for help.

“I’m sorry, Carina,” Teddy says, her voice shaking. “We did everything we could, we tried for forty minutes, but his heart was too badly damaged and…”

“Stop!”

“Carina,” Maya says soothingly, her arm tight around her waist. It is a cold comfort right now and Carina pushes her away.

“No!” She turns back towards Owen and Teddy. “You were supposed to fix him! You’re trauma surgeons, you’ve fixed people in the middle of a war zone! You can’t… you can’t give up! You have to go back in there and save him! Please, you have to save him!”

They stare at her blankly as she screams at them and she slowly realises that she has slipped into Italian. She falls silent and just stares back at them as she tries to comprehend what is happening.

Andrew is dead. Her sweet baby brother is gone forever. She’ll never see his smile, never hear his laugh, never feel his big strong arms around her. It doesn’t feel real and yet she knows it is true because every inch of her body is screaming with pain. 

Carina feels as if time has stopped still. The room is quiet, the only noise coming from the corridor outside. She feels Maya’s hand slip into hers and a gentle squeeze around her fingers.

The moment is interrupted by a wail that pierces her ears and Carina wants to tell whoever it is to shut up, except she can’t because the sound is coming from her. It is a shrill, animalistic cry like one might hear in the wild, as grief rips her apart. Her whole body is trembling and the room starts to spin, and Carina loses her balance, falling to the ground. Her knees hit the hard floor and pain jolts through her, yet it is nothing in comparison to the way her heart hurts.

“Maya…” she cries out desperately, her arm flailing as it reaches for her girlfriend.

Maya drops down next to her and wraps her arms around her, pulls her close and whispers words of comfort. Carina doesn’t listen to what she is saying, but lets the sound of her voice fill her ears. She leans into Maya’s body and buries her head into her chest, blocking out everything and everyone around her as her tears fall down her cheeks and soak into Maya’s shirt. Her chest feels tight and she struggles to catch her breath.

“Breathe, Carina. Just breathe,” Maya murmurs. “In…” she says as she inhales; “…and out.”

Carina concentrates on Maya’s chest moving up and down and tries to mimic her breath in and out.

“That’s it,” Maya says as Carina’s body starts to calm. “That’s it, in and out.”

When she feels calmer, Carina pulls back. Her face is clammy and her hair sticks to the side of her face, her eyes red and her cheeks pinched. Maya strokes her cheek gently and gives her the time she needs to collect her thoughts.

“I want to see him,” Carina says eventually.

Maya looks uncertain, so Carina shifts her gaze over her shoulder to where Teddy is now sat on a chair on one side of the room.

“Please. I need to see him.”

“Carina, he’s not ready. We need to…”

“I know,” she interjects.

She’s a doctor, she knows what she will find in that OR. He’ll be lying on an operating table, tubes and wires still hanging from him. His chest will gape open and blood will stain the sheets, the table and the floor. He won’t look like her brother, not the sweet kind face that she sees in her head when she closes her eyes. He’ll be pale, every last ounce of life drained from him. But she needs to see him, she needs the chance to say goodbye.

He won’t get a proper funeral, not while they are in the middle of a pandemic. He won’t get the flow of visitors paying their respects as he rests, he won’t get the collective prayers, they won’t be able to celebrate his life in the way that he deserves. He’s a hero and his death will be buried amongst the thousands of victims of the virus that continues to plague the country.

Carina stands. She is a little wobbly on her feet and she is grateful for Maya’s steady hand.

“Are you sure?” Maya asks tentatively.

Carina nods resolutely.

Maya reaches out and wipes the mascara that pools under her eyes, her touch tender despite the tough skin of her fingers caused by the hard labour of her job. Carina closes her eyes for a moment, drawing strength from Maya’s gesture before she looks back at Teddy.

“I’m ready.”

Maya keeps one arm wrapped around Carina’s waist and the other grasps her hands as she guides her down the corridor behind Teddy and Owen. Owen steps inside OR 3 without them and Carina knows that he is doing his best to clean up some of the mess that is bound to have been left behind. Her hands still shake and she holds on to Maya a little tighter, doesn’t want to let go of someone else she loves.

Owen appears in the doorway. Carina knows from the look on his face that he thinks this is a bad idea but she can’t feel any worse than she already does. She turns towards Maya.

“Will you stay with me?”

She knows she is asking a lot, to ask Maya to see her brother’s broken body like this, but the truth is that she doesn’t think she can do it without her.

“Of course I will,” Maya says.

Owen steps to one side and they walk into the operating room. Only Bokhee is there. She is sitting at the top of the table, a bowl of water next to her and a wet cloth in her hands. She wipes the blood and trauma from Andrew’s face, her movements slow and gentle and taken with such care.

Carina thought that the sight of the OR would be traumatic, but she doesn’t take in the chaos of the room. Her eyes focus only on Andrew. She walks up to the table slowly, finally letting go of Maya’s hand as she rests one hand on his shoulder and the other on the top of his head, his dark hair as unruly as it always is.

“Oh, Andrea,” she says as she lowers her head and leaves a kiss on his forehead.

His body is already turning cold, but his skin is soft and damp from where Bokhee has been cleaning his face. She looks over at the nurse.

“Thank you, Bokhee.”

Bokhee nods. “I’ll come back later,” she says, shifting backwards on her stool and standing up. Before she leaves, she pauses and reaches out, placing a hand on Carina’s arm. “I prayed for him.”

Carina’s eyes prick with tears at the act of kindness and she nods her thanks, before turning back to Andrew. She takes in his whole body this time, her eyes sweeping over the thick blue sheets that cover his chest. She knows what they hide. She moves her eyes back to his face. The breathing tube has been removed from his mouth and he almost looks like he is wearing a smile.

Perhaps he is, she thinks. All he had cared on their way to the hospital was knowing that they had caught Opal and stopped her from harming any more young girls, and she had seen the relief wash over him when he learned that the police had taken her away.

She thinks about the train ride they took together and how she had finally told him the truth about why they had been separated as children. She has never regretted her decision, always believing that it was right that he had been able to grow up without the burden of their father’s illness resting on his shoulders, but she mourns all those lost years that they will never get back – even more now.

She reaches for the stool that Bokhee left behind and sits down beside him, running the back of her hand over his stubbled cheek as she starts to sing quietly.

_“Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle,_

_Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle,_

_I tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa,_

_E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra.”_

She only gets through the first few lines before her throat closes up and the words get stuck.

“That’s beautiful,” Maya’s voice breaks the silence. “What is it?”

“It’s a song I used to sing him when he was little and couldn’t sleep,” Carina explains. She curls her fingers into his thick hair. “How am I going to tell Papa?”

Maya is beside her then, a hand on her shoulder. “Do you want me to call him?”

Carina shakes her head. “It should be me.”

She leans into Maya’s body, resting her head under the crook of her arm. “I should have stopped him.”

“Carina, no…”

“I knew that it was messy, I knew that we should have waited for the police, but he was so adamant that he was going to stop her. I didn’t believe him the first time and I wanted him to know that I believed him this time.”

A tear trickles down her face, the guilt overwhelming her.

Maya rolls a stool closer and sits down beside her, hooking her finger under Carina’s chin and encouraging her to look at her for a moment.

“Don’t do this. Don’t blame yourself, it is not your fault,” Maya says vehemently. Carina struggles against her but Maya cups her face to keep her attention. “He was going to follow Opal no matter what. And you stayed with him like any good sister would do. You were with him; when it mattered the most you were with him. And when he called your name, you were there.”

Carina’s face crumples and Maya gathers her up in another tight embrace. Carina didn’t think she had any tears left in her but they just keep coming and there is nothing she can do to stop them. She buries her face into Maya’s neck. Her head hurts, her body dehydrated, and she doesn’t think she will ever feel normal again. How can she when her brother is dead?

They are two halves of one whole, and without him she is incomplete. 

“We should get you home,” Maya says, her voice soft and low as she rubs Carina’s back soothingly.

“I can’t leave him,” is Carina’s muffled reply.

“I know,” Maya says sympathetically. “I know but we can’t stay here forever. You have to say goodbye.”

Carina pulls back and shakes her head, her voice cracking. “I don’t want to leave him on his own.”

There is a beat before a new but familiar voice enters the room. “He won’t be alone.”

Carina looks over her shoulder and blinks away the tears that blur her vision until Bailey comes into view, flanked by Richard and Bokhee. Bailey walks towards her, a gentle hand resting on her back while the other smooths the curls on Andrew’s forehead.

“We’re going to clean him up now,” Bailey says gently.

Carina tips her head and smiles gratefully, a momentary break of the grief that is painted on her face.

“It’s not your job,” she says.

“Well, today it is.”

Bailey’s tone is kind, but firm, and Carina knows that she will not be dissuaded from the unwanted task. She looks back at her brother lying peacefully on the table.

“I don’t know how to do it,” she says.

She is aware of the puzzled faces around her, the shared look of confusion between Maya and Miranda.

“Do what?” Maya asks gently.

“Say goodbye,” Carina says. She looks over to Maya, holding out her hands, her index fingers pointed. “Two halves, one whole.” She bangs her fingers together, like she had in the chapel earlier that day.

Maya takes her outstretched hands and squeezes them gently. “Do you want a moment alone with him?”

Carina nods. As Maya stands, she leans forward and plants a kiss on the top of her head. Carina leans into her for a moment, her body feeling cold once Maya is gone from her side. She spins to face her brother, leaning closer to whisper in his ear.

“I’m so proud of you. Papa will be too,” she says, tears falling from her eyes and dropping on to his cheeks. “I’ll miss you always. Give Mama big kiss from me when you see her, okay?” She chokes back a sob. “I love you, il mio fratellino.”

Carina drops down to kiss his cheek. “Addio.”

She pulls back slowly and stands up. The moment she turns away from him, she feels herself reaching for Maya, falling into her arms and sobbing as the grief spills out of her.

Her heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces, and she doesn’t know how she will ever be able to put it back together. She knows for certain that it will never be whole again, it can’t be.

They are two halves forever separated.


End file.
